My Pregnancy: Week 16

Well I've officially made it... I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my entire life.  I've gained 15 lbs so far, so I feel like I'm probably on track for a 40-50 lbs weight gain.  Eeeeep.  My self confidence is definitely wavering a bit.  Sometimes I'm totally fine with my body, but then other times I'm staring at myself in the mirror thinking WTF is happening.  I know it's all for a reason (a really freakin' awesome reason!) and that it's only temporary, but it's still really hard to accept.  I tried on a few of my summer dresses that I thought would still work and most of them didn't.  The boob sections were too small, the dresses were too strappy for my new grandma bras, or they just weren't flattering.  It was slightly depressing.  I just felt so fat... but then other times I'm like look at this bump! and the changes are exciting.  I think when my bump is more prominent, I'll feel better.  In the meantime, maybe a little retail therapy in Target's maternity section will do the trick ;)

I kept saying I would get my diet under control when the second trimester started, but trying to come up with a meal plan and then actually cooking was not happening.  I just had absolutely no desire and even now, all of my favorite healthy meals sound completely gross.  But this week may be the turning point!  I made a simple meal plan that involved Dave doing most of the cooking on the grill and hit the grocery store.  I traded my typical breakfast of waffles for yogurt, I grabbed carrots and hummus for a snack at work, and I loaded up on fruit.  Cooked veggies are still kind of iffy, but I'm doing what I can.  I enjoyed my favorite salad (spring mix, goat cheese, strawberries, craisins, pistachios, and cucumbers with a blush wine vinaigrette) and I made a giant bowl of veggie packed pasta salad.  I'm still enjoying my desserts because pregnant!  But I'm definitely doing better than I was.

I also made this fruit pizza.  Let's just ignore the sugar cookie and cream cheese frosting and pretend it's healthy, ok?

I made it to the gym 3x this week, which may have been the first time since before the super bowl, so GO ME!  I think I might be done running.  I ran 100m 6 times on Friday during the WOD and by the end of the workout something just felt wrong.  I may give it one more chance, but if it doesn't feel right, even a little bit, that's it!

In front of everyone since I was only doing 100m (instead of 200).

I had my 16 week OB appointment, which was pretty uneventful.  I heard her heartbeat which was 146 and deemed great.  The doctor told me I should start feeling the baby move in the next few weeks, so I'm really looking forward to that!  I'm getting blood drawn today for what I believe is the final step in my genetic testing.  I didn't even realize this test was a thing, but they're sending me to a LapCorp for the msAFP test.  I'm not really sure if this is standard or part of some additional testing I'm getting because of my family history.  Either way, I'm going and then I'm grabbing Chipotle as my reward.

Non pregnancy related, I did a little gardening this weekend and wanted to share the before and afters.  A lot of the people in our neighborhood use landscapers or seem to always be outside doing yard work, so I felt like we needed to step up our curb appeal a little bit.  I want to plant a bunch of things here as the summer goes on and I think I'll probably add mulch once I'm finished putting everything in.  I really have zero experience gardening so I was sort of making it up as I went along, but I think the final result looks pretty good.

I paid the price though, because somehow I ended up with really bad poison ivy.  I thought it was just all over my forearms, but two days later it has finally fully developed and it's on my belly, a little on my legs, and a small patch on my nose.  Wonderful.  I remember there being some kind of vine that I pulled up, but I never even considered it could be poison ivy in the middle of this dirt pit. Ugh!  I might be making Dave do the rest of the planting here... I'll obviously be "too pregnant" aka I do not intend on getting poison ivy more than once this year/pregnancy.

Am I Fat?

Please understand that this is not a pity post that was written only with the intent to fish for compliments.  This is just a rambling stream of my thoughts on the topic and I hope you can respect where I'm coming from.

Growing up I was always involved in a million things at a time, including sports.  I was so active that I never had to think about what I was eating.  My body was athletic and until puberty I was always on the petite size.  At the same time my body started becoming more womanly, I also started lifting.  I hit the weight room for the first time in 10th grade and I loved it.  Soon my muscular legs became bigger and more powerful, I grew boobs, and any sign of petite Amber was gone.

I don't remember weighing myself growing up.  The first weight I can remember is from my junior or senior year of high school, I was 148.  Since then my weight has fluctuated over the years, maxing out at 160 something after too many beers and late night munchies at college.  After my first body composition evaluation, I put myself on a serious salad every day for lunch diet, went to the gym 4 times a week, and lost almost 15 lbs over that summer.  The weight loss didn't last very long once I returned to school and I ended up back around the weight my body seems to easily maintain: 155.

Overall, the number on the scale doesn't really mean that much to me.  My body is very muscular and I know muscle weighs more than fat.  I grew up being the able-bodied daughter that would help my dad when any heavy lifting was needed.  I've excelled in just about every sport I've ever tried and I'm always welcome to play with all the guys.  I completed a freaking half marathon!  Right now I'm around 153 which is only 5 lbs above my weight in high school 8 years ago, that's crazy!

But then sometimes I can't help but wonder, am I fat?  My body carries all my extra weight in my torso, primarily the area I lovingly refer to as my inner tube.  In certain cuts of clothing all I can see is my gut staring me back in the face.  I know everyone has their trouble spots, but I long for a day when I don't have to think is this shirt flowy enough to hide the muffin top my jeans are giving me?  Should I be wearing a one piece right now?  And more recently, omg how big is this thing going to get when I'm pregnant?!  And the awful way women's clothing is sized doesn't help, I know my boobs are big but am I really an XL in Target's workout tanks?  I just recently purchased a bridesmaid dress in a size 14.  I know size is only a number, but that's just a little hard for me to swallow.

I guess it's all relative.  To some of my friends I am the skinny runner, and then in another crowd I am the biggest girl in the group.  Sometimes love is blind and my friends try to convince me I can borrow their clothes and then I have to explain to them that I'm 3 sizes bigger.  Or worse I'll try something of theirs on and feel like I'm going to bust out of it like the Incredible Hulk!  My sister is the same height as me but 30 lbs less and well, it sucks.  It's something I've had to deal with my entire life.  But then on the flip side, sometimes I look (and feel) amazing!  Sometimes I fit into a small.  Sometimes I like to run in a sports bra and tiny spandex shorts.  Sometimes I swear I can even see a glimpse of my abs.

I don't know.  Maybe I'm just another victim of terrible body acceptance across America.  Or maybe the belly fat I'm sporting is just as unhealthy as it looks and I need to do something about it.  Maybe I need to stop eating cheese on everything.  Or maybe I just need to look in the mirror and tell myself I'm good enough as is.

Do you struggle with body image issues?